Evil GOP

Dream Crushers

2010-12-19T13:58:00.000-08:00

Ain't no way we would let a bill pass helping intelligent students with minority status and without legal citizenship go to college.

If we let them go to college, they might take our jobs.

Just kidding, college hardly gets anyone a job at all and certainly wouldn't qualify those people for a government position. Government positions primarily require a ton of campaign money, and people who need government help to afford college certainly aren't going to be able to raise millions of dollars to build a positive image, ruin an opponent or ten's image, and combat the effects of negative campaigns on the part of opponents.

The real problem with letting illegal kids go to college is that it's against the law since they're illegal.

Kidding again. What do we care about the law? The problem is that it would allow illegal immigrants to earn a reputation as good people trying to live the American Dream as opposed to filthy moochers that should be shot, and such a feel-good story might start to melt our black, black hearts and that would be simply unacceptable. It would also give our rabid voter base less reason to hate illegal immigrants and therefore less reason to vote for us, although probably not because they'd still believe that illegals are keeping their children out of college and not the fact that their kids are stupid and lazy. Really, though, we did it because we hate people and want to crush as many dreams as possible.

Except for Orrin Hatch, the traitor.

Yes! Yes! Chavez! Yes!

2010-12-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

Our prayers have been answered! Not the one about denying bank access to registered Democrats, or the one about planting a microchip in everyone's brain making them think we're in dire need of increased military funding but since it's just a chip no extra soldiers will have to be hired, or even the one about laws not applying in bathroom stalls that I assure you not all of us pray for. This one is better. Hugo Chavez is officially dictator of Venezuela!

Granted, it's supposed to be temporary, but the war in Iraq was supposed to be over after a few months and we know how that went. Hugo Chavez, that commie lunatic, is allowed to pass laws just by saying that he wants them to be laws. Granted, we are a bit envious and we would be trying to kill him in a jealous rage but he's just so darn useful.

Hugo Chavez = the perfect bogeyman.

Osama and the terrorists were effective bogeys for a while, but the problem with them is they're just too hateful for semi-rational people to believe that secular progressives would support them, and the other problem is that they spent too much time hiding in caves to be particularly scary to most Americans. North Korea comes with some of the same problems as al-Qaeda. Chavez, on the other hand, loves the media and will probably be announcing his abuses of power every chance he gets. But even better, a significant amount of people in America actually like him. Free oil to the poor and other such policies that we are far too evil to implement. But the point is, he is a power-hungry dictator and that allows us to marginalize anyone who supports him or anything close to his political philosophy. Hopefully send them to jail for pre-emptive measures, since we refuse to admit that acting pre-emptively ever causes negative consequences.

Bernie Sanders should spend more time behind bars than Bernie Madoff, and with Chavez as dictator it just might happen.

Huzzah!

Hooray For Child Marriage

2010-12-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

As a testament to our awesome, mind-controlling power, we forcefully opposed a bill aiming to keep children from being forced into marriage, justifying our opposition by citing the high cost, and we still haven't been laughed out of public favor. People believe us, even though it would cost a relatively paltry 108 million dollars. Are they that stupid, or are we that good? Maybe a little of both, but the point is bwahaha.

Child marriage lives on!

This is something we would rather not admit in public, but we love child marriage. Partially because some prominent members of our organization really really love the children and would like to be able to marry a ten year old after leaving public office, but mostly because we're evil. We know that robbing children, especially young women, of their childhood not only promotes immediate suffering but promotes a culture of misogyny and prevents young women from maturing properly before giving birth so they often cannot raise their progeny nearly as well as if they had been able to marry by choice. This promotes societal dysfunction, and societal dysfunction leads to conflicts without any clear resolution.

Exactly the kind of conflict that we can rally our base around to support us against their own economic interests, thus allowing us to turn around and help our corporate supporters make billions through loosened regulations and other forms of legal evil. At least it will work if they haven't learned from our previous transgressions, and I don't think they will ever learn.

Muah hah hah.

Bwahaha

2010-12-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

The osteosuction machine was a rousing success. Or should I say crippling? Because it managed to completely strip our Democratic rivals of their backbone, thus making the world safe for evil.

The safety is for evil, not for those under our control. Which will soon be everyone as we control everything that matters in this good-forsaken country. Bwahaha.

The amount of our control is tremendous and will grow each day. One...million...dollars? Nothing but a simple earmark. The kind of thing we would blast our enemies for, but is fine for us because we are in charge.

It's good to be king.

Ha ha ha ha ha.